So, Doctor Who, Season 5, Episode 2, ‘The Beast Below’. Amy Pond takes her first trip in the TARDIS and they discover Britain in space. Starship UK is full of British people searching the stars for a new home. And there’s a Voting Booth. And Amy watches something horrific and then gets the chance to ‘forget’ by pressing a button. She does.
And although I’ve been watching the entire Season 5 over Christmas (and fallen a bit in love with Matt Smith), that episode, or rather that ‘forget’ button really got me thinking.
It’s the end of 2011, most of us will be feeling refreshed, raring for a new start, thinking 2012 will bring with it all that 2011 failed to deliver (cynical much, me?). But will it? So many of us will be making resolutions we’ll almost definitely break, we’ll be promising to stop smoking, lose weight, be a better person and then feeling depressed in about two weeks’ time when we’ve smoked, put on a pound, bitched for England. That’s what we do. It’s traditional. Because for all the best intentions in the world, change takes effort, overcoming obstacles takes effort, realising that we’re responsible for who we are is massive. That doesn’t change just because we enter a new year.
But am I the only person who breathes a sigh of relief that I’ve managed to survive another year? Maybe that’s just me, maybe that’s part of my baggage. But, for me, there are no resolutions to be made, no promises that I won’t keep and maybe, if I’m totally honest, there’s fear about having a whole new year to deal with, to survive.
Which brings me to the ‘forget’ button.
I’ve been looking back on 2011, as we all do at this time of year, and although I wasn’t ever really one for regrets, this end of year I’m faced with them. And there’s a chance that those regrets could eat into me and make me bitter and twisted and no longer me. If I let them. But, don’t get me wrong there was also SO much that was amazing in 2011. Just I tend to remember bad, before good.
So if I was offered that ‘forget’ button, would I press it? Would I erase 2011?
Part of me thinks I would. It’d take away those regrets. But then there’s that other part of me, the part that realises that ‘forget’ button would also take away so much that was good and magical and beautiful. I can’t help but feel that 2011 was paving the way for 2012, that lessons were learned that’ll last a lifetime, that connections were made, were broken, for reasons.
Everything happens for a reason. Doesn’t it?
So I won’t be pressing that ‘forget’ button. And I won’t be dwelling and letting bitterness grow and destroy me. I’m letting go of those regrets and embracing that belief, that idea that everything happens for a reason. I’m believing in me a little bit more.
And, so I’ll make a tiny wish instead. And the thing I want most in 2012 is to have tiny moments when something happens, when I hold my breath or squeal or laugh so hard I cry, when I feel utterly alive and excited. That’s what I want for 2012, that’s what I’m believing in. I’ll take the bad too, because that’s life, life throws us bad, I’ll take them as payoff for those moments of breath-taking beauty that thread through and make you realise just why life’s magical.
Goodbye 2011, I liked your cake.
And hello 2012, let’s be friends.
*
And for anyone interested:
My top two books of 2011: ‘Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal’ by Jeanette Winterson and ‘The Tiny Wife’ by Andrew Kaufman.
My favourite songs for 2011: This and this and this and this.
My favourite cake for 2011: Almond and lemon drizzle.
Happy End of 2011, to you.
32 Comments
Please don’t ‘forget’ this year. or you’ll forget what an amazing job you did mentoring my novel! I won’t forget that. We all have things that make us sigh, but far better to sigh than to be mute, lovely one.
Thank you x And I won’t be forgetting, I’ll be moving into 2012 and letting myself be excited about things again. That’s what I’ll be doing.
I agree a hundred percent. No forget button for me. A forgive button, that’d be handy…here’s to remembering the good bits of 2011 and making 2012 even more amazing xxx
Here’s to remembering the good, my lovely. And meeting you that night, in a bookshop, with wine… that was one of the good moments, the very good. I hope 2012 brings you happiness and magic xxx
I read a quote yesterday, which seems appropriate: “Remember all the little things in life, because one day you will look back and realise that they were the big things.” I like that, and perhaps you’ll like it too. xx
I like that a lot. I love those small moments, the inappropriate laughing at ridiculous times, the smiles, the cake, the tiny things that pass others by… I know how small things are precious. Maybe that’s my problem too. x
Love this blog. The forget button is so tempting- 2010 was such a bad year I could of used it, Without one, I got through 2011, somewhere mid way I realised I was wiser. Unfortunately, without the shit the roses don’t grow.
On books, my favourite book of the year was The Tiny Wife.
The book I’m looking forward to most in 2012 is Freaks.
Have a wonderful new year.
I
Yes - ‘without the shit the roses don’t grow’ - I totally agree. I have had my fair share and most I wouldn’t change, it’s made me who I am. I hope 2012 has magic in it for you. I really do.
Hello Caroline,
There are some years I really would have liked to delete. But then I realise we cannot have those lighter more graceful years if we have not stumbled in the past. So here’s to stumbling and then regaining the pace!
Good luck in 2012. I think it will be an energised, fruitful year. Ciao, Catherine
So 2011 was stumbling and the pace will quicken in 2012… yes, I think you’re right and wise. Good luck to you too x
Lovely Blog Caroline x
Wishing you and your family all the very best for 2012.
And also for coffee and cake - not an empty wish x
We need to meet up asap. Let’s try and get a date in the diary. Wishing you all happiness and exciting times in 2012 x
I thought I’d like to forget all about 2011 earlier this year but it turned out all right really. My 2011 list is here http://citizenr.wordpress.com/2011/12/30/20/ Hope 2012 brings you much joy!
I am going insane - so sorry. I’d NEVER miss anyone knowingly. Am an idiot… moving on… I read your post and think you’re amazing! The key is to never give up, isn’t it? Or maybe to keep believing. Hope 2012 is magical!
There was a point in the middle of this year when I would’ve happily erased a few people, let alone their mean-spirited actions. But having had time to process it all, I would say that a negative event doesn’t have to mean an ultimately negative outcome. Yes, I may be less trusting, a teensy bit less giving than before, but that’s a good thing, right? Because not all people in your life are honest and decent. I wouldn’t want to forget, because I’ve emerged from it all a notch strongerererer. Here’s to a new year/physique/hairstyle/hobby/job that’s unfettered by a deadline! xxx
‘Because not all people in your life are honest and decent’ - yes, and that’s the point. Being a little bit harder, but not losing you is the key. Be stronger, a little bit wiser, but never lose your beauty because of others x
2011 has been the most horrid year. I could not have imagined it to be any worse than it was. Through all the agony, there were many times I longed for a ‘forget’ button, a ‘delete’ button, a ‘get-me-the-hell-out-of-here’ button. Now, I can look back and realise how much of the awfulness was necessary. For me. For my journey, for who I need to become. I won’t be sad to see the back of 2011, but I also can’t let it all eat at me and kill my spirit.
I look forward to 2012. I believe it is going to be a good year. I am stronger now. I know myself that wee bit better now too.
Happy 2012 to you too, Caroline. Thank you for your wonderful writing.
You’re a very special lady. xx
There’s a saying that life only gives us what we can cope with and you’re obviously ridiculously strong! Be you, be gentle on you and keep learning. I think the minute we stop learning and close out eyes, that’s when life will be pointless. Much love and thank you xxx
This end-of-year I am trying to look back so I can see how far I’ve come - thankfully that’s quite a way. I am also trying to examine the not-so-fabulous things in a spirit of learning what I can from them and then waving them goodbye.
Here’s wishing you a fantastic New Year, I know I’ll have a good one because I still have some of your books to read
Learning from them and then waving them goodbye - that’s the key. And I think New Year’s Eve is a fabulous day for doing that. Tomorrow, I say goodbye to my regrets. And eek to reading my books
x
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(but please can I forget about 2012? stay hiding in 2011?)
love xxxx
There are some days I’d like to hide in too. I wish there was rewind or a pause. But I’m here for you in 2012. Always x
I don’t think I would forget 2011. It brought me a lot of peace of mind and contentment in myself. But it also brought me some amazing people. One of them being you, Caroline. Those amazing first emails we exchanged may well have changed my life and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I am so grateful for the advice you gave and the things you shared with me.
Here’s to an amazing 2012, full of love, laughter, happiness and peace. xxxx
You’ve grown so much recently. You should be amazingly proud of you. Here’s to 2012 and all the magic that it brings x
Am I the only one who didn’t get a reply? :’-(
Nooooooo! I totally missed it when going through them all. SO sorry… will look again now xx
No regrets…. just moving forward
Happy New Year…
Lou
Happy New Year x
A friends dad said….Better to look for ” THE REMEMBER WHEN BUTTON ” because mostly when I press this button it is to remember when the best things in my life happened….Cyril Jones
May 2012 bring you much joy xxx
Perfect! Utterly perfect! And look at the time you left the comment. A late night?
x
A happy end of 2011 to you too. I hope 2012 is kinder, gentler and more enriching for us all.
I hope that too x