How to Get a Grip - Matthew Kimberley

(To celebrate the launch of How to Get a Grip, I’ve got a copy to give away and all details can be found at the end of this post)

Matthew Kimberley is a TERRIFYING man, there’s absolutely no other way to describe him. And the reason why he makes me quiver in my boots? Because he tells it straight, VERY straight!

With a distinct lack of psychobabble, with no chance of avoidance or any excuses to hide behind, his book, How to Get a Grip is quite simply a kick-up-the-arse, refreshingly modern approach to self-help and taking responsibility for yourself. In fact, this book promises to be the ONLY self-help book for people who HATE self-help:

“You know the key to having more energy has nothing to do with crystals and chakras and everything to do with how much sleep you get. But you still choose reruns of Desperate Housewives over a good night’s shut-eye.

You know that neglecting your friends will leave you destitute and lonely but you’re still too damn lazy to pick up the phone and get in touch.

You know you could get through your to-do list in half the time - yet you’re still stalking your ex on Facebook.

You know you need a kick up the backside - and that’s what you’ll find within the pages of this book. If you’re sick of being mollycoddled by self-help that deals in platitudes and endless steps for a new you, join How to Get a Grip in its campaign to help you get your life back on track by telling you what you already know.

Implement How to Get a Grip‘s idiot-proof instructions to morph, overnight from being a friendless, wimpy and subservient doormat, perpetually vexed by the iniquities and raw deals that life throws at you, to being a total superhero. And what’s more - you’ll have fun while you do it… “

If you’re after a gentle self-help guide that will stroke you and will offer you a box to hide in, then this is NOT the book for you. How to Get a Grip offers down to earth, pragmatic advice for a busy, modern, no-nonsense kind of lad or lass. How not to be a doormat, how to get things done, how to find a partner, embracing your hangover… it’s all in here. Easy to read, short chapters, idiot-proof instructions and the promise that you’ll end up chopping down decisions ‘like a ninja’. Oh yes, the book is terrifying good.

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And Matthew Kimberley has popped over to my blog to offer some very specific advice for my readers who are also writers, titled: How To Get A Grip’s Guide To Writing A Fucking Book…

“I heard a joke, which - with all of you being literary types - you will have heard as well.
I find it difficult to tell a joke when I can’t embellish it with facial expressions and timing. But I will try:

(Setting the scene: there are two people talking to each other, perhaps at a cocktail party in Chelsea or similar.)

“So, what do you do?”
“I’m a novelist.”
“Oh, how wonderful. Me neither.”

Ha ha.

Because you’re writing a book as well, aren’t you? Aren’t we all? Aren’t none of us?

But some people, like Caroline and Barbara Cartland and Jeffrey Archer actually *write*.

Some better than others, it’s true.

But they PRODUCE. And this is how you can do the same:

1. Commit to writing a book

Really commit, like you’d commit to hosting the World Cup, or delivering blood for transfusion. Not like you commit to weight loss or to stopping picking your navel fluff in public.

2. Learn to type

This is important. Although Dame Cartland would recline in her chaise longue and dictate her stories, off the cuff, to an army of transcriptionists, you likely won’t do that. Learning to type is to writing a book what inhibiting the gag reflex is to sword swallowers and hookers: not essential, but makes the entire process more comfortable.

It’s a skill you can pick up in under a week. Pick it up.

3. Braindump

You’ve got a thousand good ideas, no doubt. Most of them will be less good once they’re out of your head. But you won’t know that until they’re in the open.

Take a large piece of paper, set aside a couple of hours, open a bottle of wine and don’t stop with the ideas until the bottle is empty.

Repeat the next day.

Then, with all the ideas on paper, you can start the foraging for the one or two decent thoughts to start shaping your bestseller.

4. Plan

It’s not sexy, it’s not romantic and it contradicts the idea of the writer as an artist. But planning provides structure, and structure stops you from shaking.

Sketch up an outline, or a storyboard. Know what happens in each chapter before you write it. Your improvisational skills are not great.

This also has the added benefit of making a large task a series of smaller tasks. And we can all handle smaller tasks.

5. Write

Write. Every day. Squeeze out 1000 words per day and you’ll have a first draft in under two months. If you can manage 2000 words, you’ll have a first draft in three weeks. This is why you need to be able to type.

I tried to stick to 4000 words a day when I wrote How to Get a Grip. I didn’t always achieve it, but it meant that even a bad day was a good day.

Don’t worry about the words you write. Don’t worry if they make sense. Don’t edit at the same time you write. Just write.

6. Edit

Do this bit sober. Don’t do it the same day that you’re writing.

You will need longer than you think for this. Allow plenty of time.

7. Decide that what you’ve written is utter rubbish, bin it, and start all over again.

Don’t beat yourself up. This is an obligatory stage in the whole book-writing process.

8. That’s it. Untold riches will follow.

You’re welcome.

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I’ve a copy of How to Get a Grip by Matthew Kimberley to give away. Simply leave a ‘please pick me’ comment by 3pm (GMT) May 5, then I’ll pop all names in a mug and ask a small child to select a winner. This competition is open to all.

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About the author: Matthew Kimberley is the author of How to Get a Grip - the last self-help guide you’ll ever need. Buy four copies.